Friday, 2nd May 2014
Food and sex. They're so often linked. Just putting the words together puts me in mind of whipped cream and extra large cucumbers. But it's not just having sex with, on or covered in food that brings them together. The similarities are more deep rooted than that. There's the heat, the satisfaction and, of course, the need. Both food and sex start with an urge, with an ache that needs fulfilling and sometimes you need more than a cucumber, no matter how big it is.
I was cooking the other day and I felt a glow of inspiration, more than just a desire for food, this was a desire to cook and create. I began putting things together, we had some chicken and olives, I found frozen onion and powdered garlic and of course there was chopped tomatoes at the back of the cupboard, there always was. So I got to cooking and every bit I added made my hunger that little bit stronger, the smells, the tastes, the heat of the kitchen. In my head I already had my boyfriend congratulating me on what an incredible job I'd done and in my imagination he was congratulating me with more than just words. (Food and sex are linked after all).
In a daydream I reached into the back of the cupboard for the chopped tomatoes and I felt my heart sink, there weren't any. I groped around, my imaginings of praise becoming the dread of my man trying to be nice about rubbish food. If sexy food inspires hot sex, I didn't want to go offering my man dry chicken. I couldn't go out to the shops as food was already cooking so my only alternative was to find a way to make it work.
Now here's where sex and food are different, it turns out that chicken stock and tomato puree does a reasonable job of standing in for chopped tomatoes and I had a very satisfied man at the end of the night. However, if I'd have reached into a cupboard expecting to find a condom and come up empty handed, there would have been no chance of using cling film and sticky tape to make a passable alternative. Of course, by the time you're reaching for a rubber you're most likely already hot and bothered, but your chicken isn't going to overcook if you have to pop out to the shops to get some, but it does involve putting your clothes back on. So the moral of the story is pretty simple, keep your cupboard better stocked than I do.
Written by Jack Davis
